I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
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okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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