So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
