I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
