Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
