WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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