i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
