I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
