Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
jump out the window naked night went bad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
