some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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