Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
