so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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