I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
