smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
