I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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