I just made out with a guy for $7.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
