Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
my poor anus
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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