two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
