I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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