I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
