I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
