No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
