i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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