If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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