somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
