I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
