Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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