The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
