If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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