someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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