I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
