did you get engaged???
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
