is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
