I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
