idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
