Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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