My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
