I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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