I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
