I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
