Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
