she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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