I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
