About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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