Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
