You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
