He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
