bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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