you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
