You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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