My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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