i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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