Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I stole a fireplace last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
