he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?