Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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